Spring Verbiage

Orangeness 12:  Verbiage

The infogarbage spew is going full blast. You gotta love something that, to quote a Facebook post, sucks your brain juices. Now that we live in Turnipworld, we must emulate the Great Rutabaga and continue to forget everything we learned, even if we didn’t learn it till 2013. Wow, the celeb facts are flying at full speed. Jaw-dropping historical photos! Adorable celebrity moms! You’ll never believe what the Rutabaga said today! We may have to put up with this vegetable for years.

It’s not just social media (LIKE ME DAMMIT I NEED CLICKS), it’s sociopathic media. Another neck-snapping unexpected consequence of some Harvard dropout genius’ invention to ogle coed girls. Don’t you wish you had become an engineer instead of an artist? I still don’t know which way to insert the USB plug, which of course they knew all about back at MIT in 1968.

There is so much verbiage garbage that a mere paragraph on Facebook (CLICK ME I’M HERE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT) of BuzzLanguage will not suffice. Let’s take a trip through the May garden of buzzing words, while endangered bees grab pollen for their doomed honeycombs:

We are hoping that the Turnip will “pivot,” a choice word for changing your stupid ideas while still trying to sell them. Turnip knows only turning towards the sunlight of public attention. That’s all he knows. You will not beat him by out-thinking him. He is, if you really must think about it, an “existential threat” and “categorically wrong.” Now what again is an “existential threat?” I believe that it involves a chain-smoking, unkempt French philosopher coming at you brandishing a Communist hammer and sickle. The French have seen all this before. And what is “categorically wrong?” I think I heard Barack Obama use it (correctly, too) so that must be some of that intellectual talk we need to forget about.

Have you ever seen a Unicorn? Yeah, the white Little Pony that farts rainbows? Well this Unicorn is now defined as a start-up company that is already worth a BILLION $ before it ever makes or does anything! We must be entrepreneurs, folks, and chase that Unicorn! How will we attain start-up heaven? Be disruptive! Outthink disruption: innovate new possibilities with Analytics. Big Data is your friend, even as it is sucking out your brain juice! (I WANT BLOG PAGE VIEWS! READ ME! No, blogs are too long gimme Twitter tweets!). Big Data knows your secret consumer desires. Do you have a role model? I want a role model, even if the words are so Boomer. Millennials agree, but what is a role model? Here’s a (somewhat edited) excerpt from an article in a real paper magazine:

“My definition of a role model is someone who maximizes their potential to push the boundaries of their circumstances with passion, purpose, integrity, and the sensitivity to know they are setting an example for others along the way….I can relate to the underdog story. He is showing us all how through belief in yourself, hard work and dedication, it is possible to achieve your dreams, prove your doubters wrong, and go from an underdog to a (star).”

Tell me about it. 

Passion! Purpose! Integrity! Believe in yourself - and work hard! You, too can become a DJ or an emoji designer or a Unicorn….or a turd of impressive size, weight, and fiber content.