The Algebra of Madness

Orangeness 15: The Algebra of Madness


A does not equal A but B equals A. Three times AB is 1/3 of AB. A multiplied by -1 is 10A. If you repeat A does not equal A long enough and enough times, it will be true. And you can divide that by zero and come out positive. See? I'm good at math. I'm the best at math. I can tell those math professors at MIT plenty they don't know. I can turn a billion dollar loss into a billion dollar gain, because 1 billion = 1 billion. I know more about math than anyone. Believe me. So if you block off something with parentheses, which any high school kid should know, you get everything that’s covered in those parentheses. I know more about math than anyone, and I’ve got that all figured out, trust me. Multiply that by a fraction of 300 million and you get 600 million, all coming to invade us. Honestly, do the math. You’ll have math teachers begging on the streets.

Meanwhile, if you take your e-mail archive and actually look at it before talking about it, you will find important subjects like sales from Macy’s, L.L. Bean, Target, Home Depot, Staples, Safeway, and 10,000 ads, 20,000 demands for your time and money from an entire charity industry, even an entire economy. That’s important, right? So let’s do the math. 10,000 + 20,000 = 30,000. Plus or minus about 3000 extra ones from the prolific “Dot and Bo” online fake furniture store, which sent out so many e-mails that the company went bankrupt. So that’s it for the e-mails, add it up and it’s nothing. Right! 

Believe me, I know what numbers are. After all, a woman is from 1 to 10! They call those “real numbers,” which means they’re not fake. Not fake at all. I only want women who are 10s, that is number winners, decade girls, orders of magnitude, baby. But after 30, forgeddaboutit. There’s a linear equation here matching age with hotness, inverse proportions. Trust me, you start at 10 and go up from there till you get to 30 and that’s the end, you’re off the graph. Career over.

Remember to only trust the polls that have me ahead. I’m a winner and cannot lose, do the math. Is the math rigged? You tell me. I’m good at math. I’m the best at math. I can tell those math professors at those fancy colleges what they don’t know. Believe me, we’ll put them all out of business. Nothing will count any more, only me.